Erika Bugbee, M.A.
Dating and The Magic of Leaning In: Giving Relationships a Chance to Spark
Last month I read an interview with an actor that was single and dating describe how hard it was to find a meaningful relationship.
He’d date, but commented that a dating was basically just looking for red flags, assessing things he didn’t like, comparing them to previous relationships, and being disappointed that the chemistry and easiness he’d hoped for but wasn’t there. Again.
The journalist, also single, laughed and said that was exactly his experience of dating. He figured it’d be easier if he’d been younger, rich, and attractive like the actor.
And yet they both reminisced about how when they were younger, meeting people and falling for people had been so much easier.
I had a single friend of mine complain about the very same things recently.
These are some of the most common, and misunderstood, dating challenges.
The interesting thing about people is that our natural inborn state is a feeling of openness and love.
If you watch young kids, they spend a huge percent of their waking hours open and curious.
I was a shy kid but I’d be friends with anyone that asked, and was full of admiration and interest in them. I wanted to BE them, no matter who they were.
Kids are easily enamored with toys, pets, hobbies, movies, and outfits that they can’t get enough of.
We never lose the capacity to feel joy, to love, and to appreciate. We’re connected to that capacity through what we call the principle of Mind.
Before we got lost in our intellect, fears, insecurities, and egos, we were present and interested. That’s who we are today when we get out of our heads.
That side of us can’t be broken or damaged. It comes back in those moments when we feel closest to the people we love.
That feeling of looking to enjoy someone, being present and interested, being ‘into them’ is what I’m suggesting people bring to their dating life.
We’re thinking creatures and we have free will to be cautious and detached, or to be warm and open.
We all know what it feels like to judge, evaluate someone, and look for reasons to doubt or question them. I’ve done it. I’m sure you have too.
We also know what it feels like to look to enjoy someone, see what there is to appreciate in them, to let them in and get affected by them.
We’ve all done both.
Just like the actor above, people are looking for a sense of connection and enjoyment. They’re looking for a feeling.
Intentionally bringing a state of openness and goodwill to another person brings that feeling into the room.
The people you date want the feeling you bring your closest friend.
And when your openness and interest comes out, it brings out a nice feeling in the people you’re with. That’s where connection and chemistry have a chance to spark. But it has to start with you.
That’s by far your biggest asset and your biggest ally in the dating realm.
That’s what today’s video is about.