My Blog:

A Dose of Insight

Last month I read an interview with an actor that was single and dating describe how hard it was to find a meaningful relationship.

He’d date, but commented that a dating was basically just looking for red flags, assessing things he didn’t like, comparing them to previous relationships, and being disappointed that the chemistry and easiness he’d hoped for but wasn’t there. Again.

The journalist, also single, laughed and said that was exactly his experience of dating. He figured it’d be easier if he’d been younger, rich, and attractive like the actor.

And yet they both reminisced about how when they were younger, meeting people and falling for people had been so much easier.

I had a single friend of mine complain about the very same things recently.

These are some of the most common, and misunderstood, dating challenges.

The interesting thing about people is that our natural inborn state is a feeling of openness and love.

If you watch young kids, they spend a huge percent of their waking hours open and curious.

I was a shy kid but I’d be friends with anyone that asked, and was full of admiration and interest in them. I wanted to BE them, no matter who they were.

Kids are easily enamored with toys, pets, hobbies, movies, and outfits that they can’t get enough of.

We never lose the capacity to feel joy, to love, and to appreciate. We’re connected to that capacity through what we call the principle of Mind.

Before we got lost in our intellect, fears, insecurities, and egos, we were present and interested. That’s who we are today when we get out of our heads.

That side of us can’t be broken or damaged. It comes back in those moments when we feel closest to the people we love.

That feeling of looking to enjoy someone, being present and interested, being ‘into them’ is what I’m suggesting people bring to their dating life.

We’re thinking creatures and we have free will to be cautious and detached, or to be warm and open.

We all know what it feels like to judge, evaluate someone, and look for reasons to doubt or question them. I’ve done it. I’m sure you have too.

We also know what it feels like to look to enjoy someone, see what there is to appreciate in them, to let them in and get affected by them.

We’ve all done both.

Just like the actor above, people are looking for a sense of connection and enjoyment. They’re looking for a feeling.

Intentionally bringing a state of openness and goodwill to another person brings that feeling into the room.

The people you date want the feeling you bring your closest friend.

And when your openness and interest comes out, it brings out a nice feeling in the people you’re with. That’s where connection and chemistry have a chance to spark. But it has to start with you.

That’s by far your biggest asset and your biggest ally in the dating realm.

That’s what today’s video is about.

One of the things you can count on in life is the fact of change.

Even when things are going well, like a career or a relationship, either life changes or we change. Or both. And it doesn’t have to mean something went wrong.

We grow out of interests, what matters to us changes, or things just don’t make sense for us anymore.

I had a young client who'd been a very intense athlete, was set to play in college and wanted to play professionally, but simply lost her passion and interest.

She thought it was a sign that she’d be ‘a quitter’ as an adult, that she was lazy, or that she had no confidence or vision.

But as we talked more she mentioned that her friends’ interests changed over the years – school plays, guitar, Minecraft, Star Wars, dating – every year they evolved into a person with different interests.

The only constant was change itself. And yet she didn’t worry about them. She saw that their energy and enthusiasm simply morphed into different things.

She was so relieved I could see it in her face and her posture.

She’d made up a bunch of meaning and implications about herself and her future, and had scared herself. She’d been carrying so much tension and edginess.

She realized that she’d worried that life would stop, and she’d never get another interest. That basketball was her thing, and that was it. There’d be no other life for her.

Years later she reached out and had found a job she loved and all kinds of ideas about her future.

For that young client, the fact that our values and interests change, or that life changes, was not really the problem.

The problem for her was where she went in her reactions, her ideas, and her fears about those changes.

Sometimes realizing we've changed, or that it’s time for a change, is a big deal. It means we have to potentially ‘break up’ with a path and the future as we knew it.

That can be unnerving, scary, and disappointing. Insecurity around being in the unknown is a very normal thing. It doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

Your mind made up one version of the future, and it gets surprised that suddenly it’s not happening anymore. And you have no idea (yet) where the story goes from there.

It’s no different from a breakup. Most of us have been through them.

The insecurity is unavoidable, and yet we all know that it passes.

After someone’s been through a breakup or two, you learn that a little patience and faith is all we need. While we don’t know what’s on the other side, we know that there IS another side and we learn to trust that.

Humans are connected to a universal intelligence that provides emotional stability and resilience. It's the same intelligence that creates a surge of new plant life after a forest fire.

The more we trust that there's a deeper intelligence at work helping us along, the easier it is to find patience and faith.

Whether we’re in high school or 52 like the client in today’s video, having that patience and faith in ourselves and in life is often the only thing we have. And once the dust settles and we get our bearings back, our clarity and sense of direction comes back too.

That’s what today’s video is about.

Updated: Oct 6

Last month I had a client, I’ll call her Helen, tell me she had a rare moment of calm waking up that morning.

She said that typically, the very moment she becomes conscious in the morning, and remembers herself and her life, her regrets from yesterday fill her head instantly.

Things she blurted, a problem she avoided that’s now a bigger problem, a snitty email she sent. She’d have to get up and start doing things to get away from the shame and pressure.

Everyone on the planet gets swallowed by regret or shame at times, maybe a lot. Everyone’s feelings rise and fall, and our well-being rise and fall with them.

What I find interesting is that everyone on her street might have a different flavor. Some people don’t focus on themselves, but instead get critical of what other people did wrong yesterday. Snitty emails they sent.

Some people don’t get critical or feel regret, but they say no to everything – every invitation, every new idea, every change. They’re closed and resistant to life in general.

Other people are consumed by who likes them and who doesn’t.

Then there’s people that wake up thinking about how behind they are in life and are in a constant feeling of lacking.

Many people get a variety platter with several that they rotate through in a given month.

Low feelings and bad feelings are a constant for some percent of our mental lives. Just like catching colds is part of our physiology. It's a fact of humanity.

Having our thoughts take a dive and bringing our emotional state with it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us or our lives.

In fact human feelings demonstrate our innate drive toward emotional balance and homeostasis. The same way fevers restore our physiology.

It might feel terrible, and like we’re sick or broken, but our feelings, like fevers, are a sign of our universal strength, vitality, and the fight to survive that’s embedded in all of nature’s DNA.

A little bit of insight into that wisdom and intelligence that’s working behind the scenes of our well-being gives people a profound sense of reassurance, and allows people to feel a level of calm and faith, sometimes even in the face of their lows.

A learning curve in this realm allows people to find more grace moving through the lows, regain their perspective and clarity sooner, and bounce back to neutral faster.

For Helen, her insights about her regret took a bunch of the intensity away from those morning lows.

The power drained right out the bottom, not all of the time, but a growing percentage of those mornings. Some mornings the intensity is there, yet some mornings she feels the regret, but she describes it as “just a little annoying, like a fruit fly, and then it wanders off.”

And some mornings, like last month, it’s not there at all. That happens more and more often for her.

One of Helen’s insights is captured in today’s video.

Today’s video is by Dr. George Pransky, my former business partner of 20 years.

This video is a free module from the online course ‘INSIGHT: The Principles of a Fulfilling and High-Performance Life. George and I co-created this course along with our colleague Kara Stamback, M.S.

We created this course to share some of the most essential insights that have created the biggest changes in our clients like Helen.

This is a sample from the course so people can see if it’s a good fit for them.

For more info on the course click here. The course is 50% off from Oct 7 - 31, 2022.

I hope today’s video is helpful. Click below to watch.


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